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Abundance Sensei x 2

My husband Joe is my Abundance Sensei. With him, all things are plentiful and available to share. The first winter we spent together, I watched Joe build a fire in the fireplace. He set a decent-sized stack of logs on the andirons and then left to get something from the porch. I thought he’d return with newspapers or a match. Instead, he strode in with another armful of wood, which he added to the pile in the fireplace. When he finally ignited the mountain of logs, the whole room lit up with flickering, orange light. It was the biggest and warmest fire I’d ever experienced indoors.

During the leanness of this past year, I’ve thought back to that fire many times. It’s reminded me that there will always be enough.

Our daughter inherited the abundance gene from her father. She makes mud pies thick with clay, sand, gravel, and grass. Her paintings at school are so intensely layered, they’re crusty. Our freezer is full of ‘stews’ she’s concocted from flour, herbs, dried red lentils, macaroni, water… She knows she’s welcome to a handful of anything from our pantry that strikes her fancy. How can I resist her love of materials and complete lack of inhibition as she works? I study her calm and decisive process. She is at one with creation.

Last Sunday, a friend invited us over to decorate holiday cookies. My daughter’s designs are on the top; mine are on the bottom. I’m still learning.

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Posted in Bits of Beauty, Learning from Others.

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By the Coconut Girl – December 15, 2009

Dancing ‘mater

Sometimes I think I’ve got a vegetable pretty much all figured out. Then I’ll try a new recipe and discover something amazing. Like that a tomato can dance. Actually dance! I was using the same iron skillet I’ve cooked with for decades, along with the same mediocre tomatoes we all settle for in winter. But with the burner on full blast, and Deborah Madison’s cookbook leading the charge, something truly unexpected happened. One of the tomatoes started rocking back and forth, rocking my world along with it.

Posted in Bits of Beauty, Coconut Girl Videos, Food.

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By the Coconut Girl – December 13, 2009

Padma’s Pregnant

Jimmy Fallon and Padma Lakshmi were the picture of bubbly baby giddiness on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” last week. Half of me got swept up in Lakshmi’s clear ebullience over being pregnant. I sat in front of the t.v. grinning and nostalgic for my pea-in-the-pod days. Some mothers feel terrible during pregnancy, but I was lucky like Padma: comfortable and happy, calm, yet full of energy.

The other half of me thought: Poor Padma. She doesn’t know what’s about to hit her. Everything’s good now, with all the support and well-wishes that an expectant mother attracts. She’s still mobile, only mildly slowed by her second trimester bump. She’s at the pinnacle of her career as the host of “Top Chef.” Fetes brimming with celebrities and culinary luminaries are commonplace for her.  She dines regularly on manna served up by eager chefs aspiring to forge their version of her dream life.

I’ve read that for years Lakshmi struggled with endometriosis, trying through much heartache and frustration to become pregnant. It’s only right to share her alacrity over the precious chance to become a mother. And beyond that, I wish her support, rest and patience with herself as she faces a life adjustment that none of us are really prepared to make.

Here’s the thing: it’s all that. Parenthood, I mean. It’s wonderful, difficult, exciting, calcifying, freeing and confining.  A mille feuille of agony and ecstasy.

When I see people who are clearly expecting their first child, I feel protective of them—like a parent (surely as other parents must have looked upon me in my pregnant days). So many young families embark on this exciting and challenging journey without local family or other forms of daily support and encouragement. They carry baby gear books around stores—as I did—thinking that if they get everything on the shopping list, they’ll be covered for every contingency. When I was pregnant with my first child, I’d call my Mom, who lives out of state, to give her updates our nursery progress.  She was kind to listen patiently as I rattled off my newborn inventory. Before we’d hang up, she’d gently urge me to take it easy. “Rest now…” she warned. But I had the nesting urge something fierce. My usual whirling dervish personality was turned up to 11.  I could do it all: work, run a home, be pregnant, remodel a room! I went into labor with a DeWalt power drill in my hand.

Now a mother of two, as I watch Lakshmi on t.v., the dialogue continues in my mind. Well, I think, she can hire nannies, night nurses, maids, and work assistants. She’ll be fine. BUT, the other me argues, so did Brooke Shields. And what a time she had.  When I see fellow-moms Tina Fey and Amy Poehler on their shows, I wonder how the physics of their days work without Einstein himself reversing the hands on the clock.

Every woman I know had to embark on some level of self-reinvention when she had a baby. This is not, ultimately, a bad thing. But it can be messy and unpredictable. Not an easy pair of descriptors for the go-getters among us. Is motherhood it worth it? For me, absolutely, hands-down, no question.  Do I love my children to the moon and back and find their every milestone my most rewarding accomplishment? Yes. The parent books were spot-on with that one. But I what I didn’t realize was that I’d have to learn how to compartmentalize my mind and heart in order to function as a mother and a professional. When I’m at work, my mind drifts to my children. And when I’m with my children, I often get distracted by work concerns. So there’s a third me, the disciplinarian, who tries to keep my mind where my body is.

Padma Lakshmi is so smart and beautiful, she just may step into the slipstream and pull it all off. Perhaps she’ll juggle motherhood and her brilliant career in a way that’s eluded me so far. Still, I wonder about those quickfire challenges. How will she continue judging the food if she’s boycotting dairy because her baby’s fussy? Will the camera have to cut away as she raises a bite of panko-coated chevre to her lips? Or will Lakshmi forego nursing because her contract demands she eat every broccoli and bean bomber the contestants cook up? Soon her maternal responsibilities will subject her to the same relentless fatigue and demands that the contestants on Top Chef endure. We watch their confidence falter as the weeks trudge along. Will the same happen to Lakshmi?  If it does, I hope we’ll be able to see a little glimpse on camera. Top Chef is a reality show, after all, and Padma may be just the emissary we need to have a more realistic and compassionate view of new parents.

Posted in Food, General, Planet Newborn.

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By the Coconut Girl – December 11, 2009

Easy Meal for Hungry Parents, #1: Bruschetta with Cheese

This post is the first in a series of quick meal ideas designed with tired new parents in mind. The goal is to get the dinner-wheels turning; substitute and modify as required based on what’s readily on-hand in the kitchen.

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Bruschetta with Cheese

Total time: 15 minutes

Ingredients: bread, mayonnaise, fresh tomatoes (plum, grape, and cherry tomatoes are available year-round), cheese, fresh or dried basil, salt and pepper.

Directions:

1. Slice bread and cover with a thin layer of mayonnaise.

2. Top bread with sliced tomatoes and cheese. Place on baking tray.

3. Place oven rack on highest setting and broil bruschetta for 5-7 minutes until bubbly. Remove from broiler.

4. Top with torn basil leaves, or a light shake of dried basil (oregano is another good choice). Sprinkle with salt and pepper.

5. Serve with fruit–whatever you have on hand–grapes, canned mandarin oranges, apple slices or berries.

Avoiding Dairy? Use jarred, marinated artichokes atop the tomatoes instead of cheese. Broil for 3-5 minutes.

*Extra credit:*  before putting on mayonnaise in step 1, rub bread with a cut clove of garlic. Proceed with steps 2-5.

Posted in Food, For Partners, Planet Newborn.

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By the Coconut Girl – December 8, 2009

How can I help? 5 Quick Tips for Partners. Actually, 6.

whitney sasha reas fordIf a Coconut Girl (new mom) is crying or generally has the blues, her partner might ask “how can I help?” This well-meaning question, oddly enough, can sometimes make things worse. Here’s why. Partners like to fix things, to make life better. To do so, they seek specific acts they can perform to produce a desired outcome–namely, a happy Coconut Girl. But if she’s exhausted (likely) or depressed (possibly), she may be incapable of giving specific instructions. And in many cases, the relief she seeks is not readily available because her newborn is so physically and emotionally dependent on her body alone.

To a newborn mom, it can feel like there’s no way out. On one hand, she may long for her old life, with its freedom of movement and schedule, professional fulfillment and connection to a social network. On the other hand, she loves her baby. Even if a new mom could rewind time to a more familiar and comfortable existence, nothing would be the same. She is a mother now, and her bond with her child is mysterious and impenetrable.Wrestling with this conundrum can leave a mom feeling stuck, and her partner feeling frustrated and ineffective to help relieve her 24/7 workload.

With this relationship low-point in mind, here are a few specific suggestions for the partner of a new mother–whether the baby is her first or her fifth:

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1. If a Coconut Girl is complaining that things that are stressful to her, listen. She may let loose a giant, rambling, stream-of-consciousness monologue about the minutia of her days and nights. L.I.S.T.E.N. It’s not minutia to her; her life is unpredictable from minute to minute with a newborn in the house. That’s a deeply unsettling way for anyone to live. Try not to give advice during these long downloads unless she solicits it. Your input and ideas are important, and deserve to be heard when she’s less stressed and more receptive. For now, listen and acknowledge how hard it is. This is the greatest gift you can give her because you are essentially unburdening her of the mental prison of worry and isolation. Since having a baby, your Coconut Girl has basically rolled out of the delivery room or O.R. and sprinted into a year-long Iron-Man competition on no sleep. She needs to speak frankly about its effect on her. Complaining is not the same as being ungrateful. In this case it’s a healthy way of processing a difficult time. She will love you for your attention and understanding. [Important Note: if she says anything that indicates that she or the baby is in danger, apprise her ob/gyn immediately. For a great resource regarding postpartum mood disorders that includes symptom checklists and resources for medical and peer-to-peer support, click here. ]IMG_0036

2. When offering suggestions to a Coconut Girl, be specific about what YOU can do, rather than what SHE should do.

If she’s feeling lonely, for example,
Don’t say: “Why don’t you call Erica and see if she can meet you for lunch?” If she could pull this off, she would have done it already.
Do say: “I’d love to have lunch with you this week; I was thinking Italian. I’ll bring the calendar over and we can pick a day and time.”

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3. Repeat #2. A lot. Coconut Girls are often housebound for months. They need social contact. Get her rolling with outings with you. Then start queuing up her friends. Be her Secretary of Health and Human Services. Who are the friends who make her laugh, lift her spirits? Openly call or email them and have them schedule visits. Friends should set up specific appointments vs. leaving things open-ended. If their schedules permit, recurring weekly appointments are ideal. Then your Coconut Girl has a point on the horizon to look towards each week. She can use the visit for a lunch outing or to run an elusive errand. Venturing into Target to get onesies can be daunting if a baby’s fussy or falls asleep in the car on the way. A friend’s rested mind and helping hands can make a quick errand do-able. Remind everyone that she will likely be late to all appointments. Babies are pre-programmed to blow-out their diapers right after being buckled into their carseats.

4. Watch the household projects. There are two kinds of new moms in this world: those for whom a handy-man partner relieves stress, and those for whom the handy-man partner adds stress. Ask your Coconut Girl which one she is. Do you come home from work and tackle the disrepair that the house has fallen into since the onset of parenthood? That could be a good or bad thing. Some new moms feel better when neglected household items are attended to.

IMG_0011_2Others would prefer that a partner’s time be spent with them and the baby so they can have some adult company and a break from constant childcare duty. If your Coconut Girl is a hybrid of the two, check in with her before you start a project at night or on the weekend. Decide together if it’s a top priority. Be sure to discuss a realistic estimate of how much time the project will take from start to finish before proceeding.

5. Stock the fridge and car daily. When you’re home in the evening and your Coconut Girl’s busy with the baby, you can get the kitchen and car ready for her day tomorrow.

DSC_0524Kitchen instructions: You don’t have to be a gourmet cook. Hard-boil 4 eggs (cover eggs with cold water in a saucepan; turn on med-high heat and cook for 12 minutes. Remove from heat, drain, let cool, peel, put in bowl, cover, set in frige). Set out a few ziplocks of tortilla chips or pretzels (Big bags of chips are generally too bulky and noisy to be tenable for a mom holding a sleeping infant).  Queue up some squeeze-tube yogurts within easy reach; set out some bananas; wash and dry some celery stalks and fill with cream cheese & dill.  These easy snacks will keep her going the next day. For more suggestions on mom-food, click here.  Car instructions: Put the following on the passenger seat of her car: a bottle of water, a banana, a napkin, and a peanut butter (or soynut butter, etc.) and jelly sandwich in a ziplock. Place a magazine she likes in her car door pocket (it can be an old one that’s been lying around the house). This is so that if she’s out driving around and the baby falls asleep, she can park and have easy calories, hydration and reading within reach.

100-0032_IMGMake sure her cell phone is charged. In the trunk, queue up a back-up outfit for her. Babies can profusely spit up and have diaper wrecks all over mom during outings, as well as at home.

6. You rock. No, seriously, you rock. Thank you for reading this and for taking care of your Coconut Girl.

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Posted in For Partners, Planet Newborn.

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By the Coconut Girl – December 4, 2009

A world in four square feet

We had several consecutive days of storms before Thanksgiving. The steps to our porch are cedar, and were once sweet-potato orange. Several years’ worth of weathering has darkened them to the warm brown hue of ipe wood. As an architect, I learn about materials by noticing how they age. As the porch steps have darkened, they’ve become mirror-like when wet. During last week’s squall, I watched rain drops pick up speed, forming bubbles that popped as quickly as they formed. Behind the busy patter of splashes, I noticed the reflection of our neighbor’s treetops sway across the bottom tread as the wind picked up and then subsided. A pine needle on a higher stair quivered slightly.  On the ground, a single yellow leaf remained steadfast throughout.

A special hello to Amy in the Pacific Northwest–a Coconut Girl who gets a lot of rain.

Posted in Bits of Beauty, Coconut Girl Videos.

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By the Coconut Girl – November 29, 2009

Something old, something new

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bnut squash lanterns

On Thursday afternoons, I teach kindergarten art at my daughter’s school. For our first class in September, we started at the beginning: prehistoric art. We studied the cave paintings at Lascaux, France, c. 17.000 B.C. The ancient cave artists painted vibrant buffalo and horses and used lanterns carved from stone to illuminate their work in the dark recesses of the caves.  The lanterns’ long handles kept hands at a safe distance from the oil that burned in the reservoir. The children and I made our own cave by hanging blankets under a stair landing. For our lanterns, we scooped out the seeds from several butternut squash halves. The children painted canvases with mud. Time flew by and soon it was time to clean up.

Ever since that day, when I show up on the playground to pick up my daughter, I am greeted with leg hugs from the kindergartners. Even from the shy little boy who’s barely noticed me for two years. On that first art day, he told me his cave painting would be of his home. As I watched him work, I waited for a roof and chimney to appear on his canvas. Instead, he painted the line of the Blue Ridge Mountains–the backdrop of our town.

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Posted in Bits of Beauty, Learning from Others.

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By the Coconut Girl – November 17, 2009

Warm days and the porch

After several bone-chilling days of rain, we had sunny weather today. It was unseasonably warm and we worked in the yard, gathering up the last piles of leaves. Some friends dropped by with their children and we stopped our raking. The grown-ups sat on the porch and watched the kids tear around the yard like animals freed from their cages. How quickly I forget summer’s largess. But not as quickly as I rejoice in its mid-November cameo.

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Posted in Bits of Beauty.

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By the Coconut Girl – November 15, 2009

Composition with lines and dots

On some days–especially cold rainy ones like we’ve had all week–I have to work a little harder to find a laugh. My latest trick is pretending I’m an art critic narrating the repetitive activities of my day.  Last night, for example, I assumed the identity of my puffed-up college art history professor. He pronounced “Van Gogh” like this: “Van- GAH-HAH.” Like he was choking. Every time a painting by the Dutch artist came up on the screen, I had to suppress a laugh akin to the one that would overtake me as a kid at my grandmother’s Baptist church in rural North Carolina. Think Maya Angelou’s scene in I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. (“Preach it!!!!”)

Bending down to sweep up the dinnertime detritus from the floor, I cranked up my old professor’s 1/10 British Accent (he’s American but studied at Oxford). Here’s what he (we) said about the scene I found under the table:

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“Here we have a still image from a performance piece by two American  artists–ages 3.5 and 6 years. We see that several black beans have escaped–one-by-one–from the entrapment of their pressed quesadilla enclosure. These legumes noirs have come to a place of quiet repose on the floor, among a forest of contrasting vertical steel dining chair legs. The orbital form of the frijoles and the shaftlike metal tubes erupt from the overly patinaed tableau of the floor. We endure the unbearable tension of the soft legumes, vulnerable and poised for certain destruction.  For we know that the artists’ feet are mere seconds away from squashing the beans as flat as the tortilla from whence they came. Yet, like the phoenix of lore, the beans will rise from this perilous life to be be reborn as smears against carpets, sofa cushions–or bedspreads. From there, time will only tell when they will be carried next: into the rapids of the Maytag or–atom by atom–onto the clothes of couch-sitters or the slumbering artists themselves…”

Posted in Art 101.

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By the Coconut Girl – November 13, 2009

Bouncy Seat Cocktail

Beverage service, Coconut Girl-style.

Thanks to the Mosquitoes for the tune.

Posted in Coconut Girl Videos, Planet Newborn, Wack Art.

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By the Coconut Girl – November 10, 2009